Sleeping Beauty, or The Stupidest Story Ever Told

Also known as, ‘Dang, King Stefan, Take a Friggin Breath’.

Sleeping Beauty is a classic tale that has survived centuries of retellings, but seems to be, at least as the story is told in the condensed-book-of-the-film-of-the-book version, a catalogue of the stupidest possible responses to one of the stupidest possible evil plans.

As a monument to this bizarre nonsense I present to you the story page-by-page as it is told in the book, followed by the script as it would be if there were characters with a smidgen of common sense.

Bend over backwards and there’s a guy actually bending

It’s no secret that I hate a lot of ads, nor that of all the ads I hate Outsurance keeps managing to rank among the most hated. It’s getting so that when I see a new ad on TV and I start to hate it a great deal, I say to myself, usually out loud, ‘I bet this is an Outsurance ad’. And it usually is.

The only one of theirs that I like is this banner internet ad thing on my email =>

It follows an ad campaign in which call-centre operators reassure customers that they’re going to totally sort out all their problems. While they’re talking they begin to topple over backwards, and the voice-over goes on about how Outsurance will… wait for it… bend over backwards for you! Ha because that’s a thing people say and then you actually see a guy doing it.

Now don’t misunderstand me; it’s not the TV ad that I like. It’s obvious and dumb, and it’s written by people who once successfully observed a sense of humour from the safety of a bird-hide, but became so confused that they had to have a lie down and some St John’s wort.

The ad that I like is that one there => because it says ‘No jokes’ on it, and that accurately describes Outsurance’s attempts at being funny all these years.