Archive | February, 2013

Sleeping Beauty, or The Stupidest Story Ever Told

21 Feb

Also known as, ‘Dang, King Stefan, Take a Friggin Breath’.

sb01

Sleeping Beauty is a classic tale that has survived centuries of retellings, but seems to be, at least as the story is told in the condensed-book-of-the-film-of-the-book version, a catalogue of the stupidest possible responses to one of the stupidest possible evil plans.

As a monument to this bizarre nonsense I present to you the story page-by-page as it is told in the book, followed by the script as it would be if there were characters with a smidgen of common sense.

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What goes around comes around

8 Feb

I entered the Stellenbosch University parking lot today on my little Honda motorcycle and surveyed my parking options. In front of me was a bicycle rack the width of the whole lot. In the right corner was a three-quarters-empty disabled space, and in the left corner was an empty regular space with a small alcove at its end.

Being a considerate fellow, I reasoned that the disabled space was out of bounds (just in case someone three-quarters disabled happened to need to park), and parkingĀ  in front of the bicycle rack would leave most of my bike protruding out into the parking lot, making it very difficult for those in the end spaces to reverse out. Yet I also didn’t want to take a full space for a motorbike. So instead of using the full space, I parked in the alcove, so that anyone who might need to use the space behind me could comfortably park most of the vehicle in the space while still leaving me plenty of room to squeeze past when I needed to leave.

Instead, when I arrived back at my bike, I saw this:

bike parkin

 

That’s right; not only had he parked unnecessarily deep, but he had also dragged my bike tighter into the space so that I would be unable to leave. Apparently it was his space, someone explained.

I never got to meet this gem of a human being, because after Herculean exertion of my formidable upper-body strength, I was able to drag my bike over the parapet wall and to freedom. Next time I’ll try be more considerate.

Bend over backwards and there’s a guy actually bending

1 Feb

outsurance bendoverIt’s no secret that I hate a lot of ads, nor that of all the ads I hate Outsurance keeps managing to rank among the most hated. It’s getting so that when I see a new ad on TV and I start to hate it a great deal, I say to myself, usually out loud, ‘I bet this is an Outsurance ad’. And it usually is.

The only one of theirs that I like is this banner internet ad thing on my email =>

It follows an ad campaign in which call-centre operators reassure customers that they’re going to totally sort out all their problems. While they’re talking they begin to topple over backwards, and the voice-over goes on about how Outsurance will… wait for it… bend over backwards for you! Ha because that’s a thing people say and then you actually see a guy doing it.

Now don’t misunderstand me; it’s not the TV ad that I like. It’s obvious and dumb, and it’s written by people who once successfully observed a sense of humour from the safety of a bird-hide, but became so confused that they had to have a lie down and some St John’s wort.

The ad that I like is that one there => because it says ‘No jokes’ on it, and that accurately describes Outsurance’s attempts at being funny all these years.