Archive | September, 2011

Create Your Own Spa!

30 Sep
fishnibble

Perfect after a good bloodletting

I just got an invitation to a discounted fish-nibble therapy session. Now, this is not the stupidest therapy I’ve ever heard of. In fact, I like fish and that picture looks pretty cool. It’s the insertion of the word ‘therapy’ that makes me think spa owners suspect us all of mental retardation. Scarier still is that they may be right.

Listen to what they say about fish nibbling:

First, your feet are carefully washed and prepared [read: rubbed with fish food] before being submerged in the Garra Rufa tank where the specially bred “doctor” fish will soften and gently cleanse your feet by nibbling away at the dead skin cells of your feet. They are said to secrete an enzyme [read: we aren’t about to look into this using science] — diathanol that improves skin regeneration, and exfoliate your feet whilst their soft (and toothless) mouths gently lift away the dry skin leaving the smooth supple healthy new cells underneath. Fish therapy is a completely painless process; you will find it a tingling, exciting sensation, akin to a light massage.

I left off the bit where they say that it is a beauty treatment, and so it works best in combination with other treatments, which you should totally buy in volume while you’re there.

Sticking ‘therapy’ at the end of things really does make it sound legit though, doesn’t it? If they just advertised a place where you could have toothless fish nibble away at your foot skin for fun, it would have to be much cheaper. Add ‘therapy’ and suddenly it’s time to charge surgery rates.

The cool thing is you can make a treatment out of just about anything. I have just developed (well, actually, I’m just about to — creating treatments is best if you make them us as you go) a spa-treatment-creating mechanism that some say is scientifically verified, and that allows you to develop the latest and therefore the best treatments for your spa. Simply randomly select a word from each of the columns, and voila! you have a new treatment! Enjoy! [Note that using this mechanism obliges you to pay me a 2% royalty on gross income from any profitable treatment].

 

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Wrong sort of cup

27 Sep

Here’s a super pic of some of the Manchester United lads enjoying their training.

Wonderbros

For some reason, they’re wearing monogrammed sports bras on the outside of their kit. Is it some strange reboot of the Superman undies-on-the-outies phenomenon? Are they Wonderbros? Does it come in a push up?

Photos from the Shop

2 Sep

Here are some of my favourite photos from some recent shopping trips, kicking off with a bang:

Dongbang

I don’t know what these baby wipes are meant for, but they sound painful, if only for the boys. If I read the label correctly, I believe it says that if you administer a Dong Bang, it’ll make the baby tender. Not sure what the kid in the picture is doing with his left hand, but I’ll bet he’s holding some sort of shield. Poor little guy. That stuff will make…

childrenswear
This department in a clothing store seems more concerned about making a statement concerning the prevalence of bad language among our youth than telling shoppers what’s for sale. If someone gave my dong a bang, I also might swear.

become a rock who

The toyshop carries some beautiful Chinese toys, with inspirational messages, such as ‘Become a Rock Who’, which of course makes perfect sense.

A rock Who

A rock Who

 

The Chinese also would have us pause to consider the environmental impact of our purchases.

exploiter

You can talk, China!

 

And finally, while we should be able to forgive the Chinese for their inability to speak sense in a language not their own, what excuse does this guy have??

Notes from the Universe

I love you too, Universe, but I just don't see you in that way.

 

Buddhists have spent centuries trying to persuade us that desire keeps us chained to the wheel of futility, and that enlightenment is all about forsaking self and realising your oneness with everything (and then poof! you disappear in to Nirvana forever — nothingness, that is, not the band).

That’s bad for selling books, apparently. There’s no buzzkill like desiring the heck out of a book about Buddhism only to read it and discover that your desire has angered Buddha, and he plans to chain you to samsara reincarnated as a baby wipe. So to avoid this paradox, the author of ‘Notes from the Universe’ has decided that a universe that wants to kill your desires and absorb your individuality is not so enlightened after all. On the contrary, the actual universe is the dribblingly sentimental love child of corporate America and Santa Claus.

'I'm making a list, checking it twice!'

Also, why is it good to learn that all my dreams have the real possibility of coming true? Have these people never had dreams? I am horrified to learn that the universe intends to make me sit an impromptu make-or-break science exam the next time I visit my old high school. Plus I may not be able to find my pants, and I may be chased by a dinosaur. I’m also distressed to discover that the universe loves me too, too much to let slide an opportunity to create that world made out of human innards for me that I dreamed about some time ago. Thanks a lot, Universe, you can be a real dork sometimes.