Tag Archives: fail

High-class Reviews!

17 Nov

Because of my roaring social life, I have had time to watch lots more of yesteryear’s television and movies that everyone has already forgotten about. You heard it here last! Reviews of blockbuster movie Pacific Rim, and
TV’s Suits.

Pacific Rim

Director Guillermo Del Toro is best known for giving me diagnosable post-traumatic stress disorder after watching most of Pan’s Labyrinth. Earlier this year, he released the less-disturbing bigger-budget sci-fi behemoth
Pacific Rim.

It’s about huge alien monsters, called Kaiju, who’ve invaded earth via a portal in the sea-floor. To avert their extermination, the humans unite to develop sky-scraper-sized mechwarriors piloted by pairs of synchronous street-fighting humans, who pound the aliens back to where they belong. But now, the monsters are evolving…

It’s full of colossal-scale martial-arts robot-alien battles, wrecking cities in the hope of saving mankind. What’s not to like?

<Minor-plot-hole-spoiler-that-might-ruin-the-movie-if-you-haven’t-seen-it to follow>

One thing.

The sword.

OK two things. The scientists are as annoying and cliched as it is possible to be. But the sword!

An hour into the movie… an hour full of epic battles in which the robots fist-punch the monsters, zap them with plasma weapons, blitz them with missiles, and so on, all of which only seems to annoy the creatures, and which is so dangerous that most of the crews are killed… an hour into this movie, the main surviving team seems to be all out of ammo and out of options when…
the sword.

One of the heroes even says, ‘Oh no, Other Lead Actor, we’re out of options! This is it!’

To which Other Lead Actor responds, ‘No we still have the sword!’

She then activates the sword, they whip it out, and cut the monster clean in half with the first swing. I know it would be a much shorter movie, but shouldn’t they just always be using the sword? They had to punch and kick the aliens through buildings for ages before they even dazed the suckers, but they could have just cut them in two without any effort? They have this 100% effective weapon as a last resort? So much of a last resort that one of them forgets they even have it?

I can’t forgive the sword.

Suits (TV)

Suits is like LA Law for people who were born after LA Law. Except the kid (not the Corbin-Bernsen-looking guy) in this one has law super-powers, and I can’t remember if LA Law had
super-powers in it.

Effectively, Corbin mark2 was supposed to find a new junior associate who would be the Next Big Thing, but all the Harvard graduates were cliches. So he accidentally finds this super-power kid who doesn’t actually have a law degree, but is better at law than all the lawyers.

He wants to hire him as an associate (because that’s the position he was supposed to fill, so what choice did he have?), but he’s not qualified.

What would you do in this situation, especially if you were Harvard-clever?

What’s that? You’d hire him as an associate anyway and find extremely fraudulent and incriminating ways to help him practice law without a licence, making it certain that you would lose your own lawyering licence and destroy the firm in which you’re senior partner if anyone found out? You too?

Because that’s the solution that drives the tension in this show from
episode one onwards.

Me? I’d hire him as a researcher so that I could get him to read all the stuff I didn’t want to, and so that I could take all the credit for his lawyering super-powers, which is mostly what happens anyway. Or, I’d find a way of getting him into Harvard legitimately, seeing as that is exactly what this very lawyer’s boss had done for him.

Again, it would be a shorter and more boring show, but at least it wouldn’t be incredibly stupid.

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Horses… So majestic, so gracef… WHAT THE?

3 May

Horses are supposed to be the epitome of grace and power and majesty in the animal kingdom. They’re one Narwhal horn away from full-on mythical-beast status.

Mythical-beast status can also be achieved with a little glossy-mag Photoshop work

(Me? I prefer donkeys.)

But not all horses have got the memo. Some horses got less grace and more dork. Here are four gifs of horse klutzes.

yogaballsp1

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South Africa Always Had Problems With Division

1 Nov

To be fair, to claim — as some have — that this mathematical error is ironically indicative of the state of South African education is uncharitable. We know this because 21 divided by 7 is correctly solved as 3 directly below the incorrect one, so it was probably one of the students who made the error, which the teacher then corrected. You can also tell that this is what happened because the student still has the chalk dust on her back from where the teacher beat her with the duster for getting the answer wrong. Now that’s a bit more like South African education.

Th Abbrvtn Mst Stp!!

1 Jul

Imma go down to PnP and get me some Ass Wraps!

asswraps

Delicious, appetising Ass Wraps!

The Fall of Rome 2010

21 May

The Romans got all decadent and sloppy. They took their position on top of the pile for granted, and before they knew it, the rabble had the upper hand and won the right to… to… it’s almost to horrible to say out loud… self govern!

Our beloved American overlords are showing signs of the same. If their lack of awareness of the world is this bad, then not only will they be unable to win wars against places like Vietnam, they won’t be able to find them.

South Africa not in Africa

Pic stolen from some other website. Sorry about that.