Archive | September, 2010

Be a Domkopf in 10 Minutes

18 Sep

Now that cosmetic companies are not really allowed to do chemical experiments on animals anymore, they have clearly sought a new outlet for their sadism in their advertising. It’s hard to find any justification for some of these ads unless they genuinely are mind experiments that are slowly eroding our ability to think in the abstract. Or perhaps it’s the mental equivalent of what our mothers promised us would happen if the wind changed when we pulled our faces. Except this time, they’re going to broadcast a trigger that will freeze our brains at the level of activity (or lack thereof) that the ads generate.

Take for example a Schwarzkopf ad that is now on rotation here, about some hair colouring system that takes only 10 minutes. It employs one of those ‘put yourself in her shoes’ storylines to try to show you how much this product could bail you out of a tight spot. It goes like this.

Cool Guy

'I'm so cool I put the phone to the wrong side of my head so that I can use my wrong arm to open the door.'

Cool Guy very coolly disrespects his woman, saying, ‘I’m coming over. I’ll be there in 10 minutes.’ The natural response would be for her to say, ‘Uh sure. I’ll be ready in 45’, but instead, he hangs up and she begins contemplating a radical change in her hair colour. As one does.

Hair Probs

'My make-up and outfit are perfect, but I simply *must* put my head under a tap.'

Cool Guy probably only likes her because she’s blonde, but with the clock ticking, she decides that her hair is in an unacceptable state. If her concerns that her current hair-colour might put him off are real, then what makes her so sure that a radical change in colour isn’t going to make the situation worse?

I am in your apartment, suggesting new products. Should you be afraid?

Responsible-looking Older Man, perhaps her father or a homosexual co-worker, intrudes into the story to suggest that the visit of a guy with a leather jacket and a convertible requires 70%-cocoa chocolate-brunette. And it’ll only take 10 MINUTES!

You mean you have to leave it in for 10 minutes, though. She only *has* 10 minutes.

'I am *working* that parklaj.'

Nevertheless, she meets him outside (was she early??), newly brunetted, with perfectly dry bouncy locks and a new outfit on (presumably she splashed ‘Palette’ all over the grey number). We’re expected to believe that all took a mere 10 minutes? A hair wash, colour, condition, blowdry, outfit change and new makeup all took her quicker than it takes me to brush my teeth and locate my keys?

Her boyf must have seen a few too many cosmetics advertisements and fried his brain, or else started watching some Hypnotoad and lost track of time, because 10 minutes that was not.

hypnotoad

Hypnotoad wouldn't stand for this kind of rubbish.

I know I shouldn’t obsess about this sort of thing, but really, is advertising that difficult? Do you really have to run with the very first thing you think of?

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A prison for your sprinkles

10 Sep

You can now purchase cake decorating sprinkles in a handy spice-rack-friendly bottle! All you do is flip the lid and shake!

And  – besides a rattling noise – nothing will happen. The reason for this is as follows:

Bad planning

Size of contents

Those are some hefty sprinkles...

What you have purchased is in fact a small plastic prison for deviant sugar creatures, with breathing holes punched in the top. The decorations are at least twice the diameter of the holes through which they’re seemingly intended to pass.

I know what you’re thinking. In your head, you’re saying, ‘No one would actively package their product in a container that allows you no access to the contents! No one hoping to be a commercial success is that careless! That’s one of those screw-top bottles, and you’re supposed to just take the lid off.’

Well, as it turns out, the only way to satisfy your craving for delightful blue sugary sea creatures is to risk serious injury by hacking away at the smooth plastic cylinder with something very sharp. The bottle is seemingly designed to deflect scissor blades at velocity towards exposed skin, rather than for opening.

How to open

Buyer and ambulance chasers beware

Fortunately I avoided injury this time, and it was the bottle that came out of the battle with the more significant losses. However, I do not see much future in food that one needs to hunt with dangerous implements. I thought we’d largely moved beyond that once we moved indoors. And at least in those days if you sustained serious scarring it was a lion wot dun it. I doubt injury-by-cake-decoration is going to earn me enough street cred to justify the risk.

A slice of knife life

9 Sep

I found this ad in the classifieds for a DVD about knife ownership, presumably aimed at psychopaths who may be ignorant of the murderous potential of their large, razor-sharp pocket-machete. The earnestness with which the author enthuses about the hardcoreness of his knife is quite endearing for some reason.

Krazy knife kids

"Do you have one? A folding pocket knife with a 3-4 inch blade - like the knife available above. Do you truly understand the power of this size of blade? Did you know that just one slash can cause instant death?"