Archive | July, 2011

Killing them softly with its song

14 Jul

Mortein Moron“How can we get people to spray poison arbitrarily in the air, even when they don’t have any pests?” says the bug-spray strategy man.

“Maybe we can market it as a child’s toy? They love things that spray”, suggests the man from marketing, who had recently been demoted from the foods department for producing a range of hanukkah-themed bacon products.

“I know! We can sell it with a more-expensive arbitrary-in-the-air-sprayer!”

Strategy man was onto something. Or on something. Either way, that was what the smart guys at Mortein decided to do. So they produced the Naturgard TM Automatic Indoor Insect Control System, which sprays a polite little spray every quarter of an hour and promises to use less every day than you would if you sprayed continuously for 4 seconds.

Foolishly we bought one. Not because it looked like a good idea, but because it said ‘insect control’ on it, and we assumed from that that it would somehow control pests. We were desperate, because ants had recently built sizeable nests (seemingly overnight) in our computer speakers, our DVD player, two alarm clocks and my Wacom Tablet. Many more were seen scouting our refrigerator.

Needless to say, this ‘system’ under-delivers on ‘insect control’. It has a number of serious limitations not suffered by an ordinary can — besides the obvious problem that it requires batteries. It must be wall mounted. Two metres above ground. But not too close to the ceiling. And not anywhere your face is likely to be every 15 minutes or so. And not above carpeted areas. Or near kids. Or pets. Or your food. Or appliances. Allow me to summarise by means of a diagram:

So instead of walking to the place where the insects are and spraying far too much poison straight into their faces, Mortein reckons it is ‘more convenient’ to inject small amounts of poison into a forgotten nook of your living environment in the hope that an insect wanders in front of it. I mean, what kind of an idiot buys this thing?


Look, it’s not my fault. The ants were getting busy in my Wacom Tablet.  I had to try.


Th Abbrvtn Mst Stp!!

1 Jul

Imma go down to PnP and get me some Ass Wraps!


Delicious, appetising Ass Wraps!