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Extortionately priced product placement ad

17 Nov

Did you know, you can get mediocre ungenius-made products from CafePress for merely extortionate prices?

promo_image

They’re bound to be the best t-shirts and mugs that you ever paid too much money for! Get them now!

http://www.cafepress.com/ungenius

Shopping Hazards

15 Aug

Classified Ads are Often Nuts

1. Plague bike

deadleopardbike

This guy is selling his bike with the romantic notion of being able to ride to places with dead cheetahs AND dead skunks. Also the cheetah has been lightly shaved.

2. Demon bike

poltergeistbike

This guy’s bicycle sounds demon possessed. I imagine it in the garage with its gears spontaneously clattering away, and things breaking off of it without warning…

3. Bile bike

bilecycle

This guy has a bilecycle. I’m not sure what that is, but I don’t think I want it. I like how he had two stabs at the word ‘bicycle’ without success.

Fashion. Why.

1. Choose your battles

DSC00361

This guy’s girlfriend has obviously forced him to wear this hideous garbage, because he clearly looks miffed and a bit embarrassed (and totally whipped), and she looks cross but slightly exhilarated, like she just won something. “You will stand here for this photo, or so help me…”

2. Someone has to pay

DSC00517

Just so we’re clear, the shirt is emblazoned with a HUGE shiny decal that says, ‘Young, Reckless, Wild, and Awesome’. Because you shop at the mall. Right. Even the mannequin can’t believe he has to wear this.

If you have to praise yourself on your own t-shirt, especially using some drunk 50-year-old clothes-builder’s idea of how young people hope to be seen, then you’re probably the opposite, and you deserved it when you were bullied as a child.

3. Wow you look like the man of my dreams

DSC00519

This mannequin reminds me of someone that I usually associate with the nightmare of clothes shopping.

I can't quite put my finger on who...

I can’t quite put my finger on who…

Child’s Play

1. Costume that is everything

My kid wants a tiger birthday-party this year, so we’re on the lookout for tiger dress-up outfits.

tiger chewie

This costume-hire Website must have some interesting employees.

Boss: ‘Describe a tiger.’

Designer: ‘It’s really long-haired, and looks like a novelty brown shag rug that’s been given peroxided highlights all over.’

Boss: ‘Describe Chewbacca.’

Designer: ‘He’s really long-haired, and looks like a novelty brown shag rug that’s been given peroxided highlights all over.’

Boss: ‘Wonderful! How about werewolf?’

Designer: ‘It’s smooth and orange with black stripes. Looks like a cat.’

tiger002_big

Pictured left: Zebra. Pictured right: George W Bush

2. Sapiential

engrish_sapiential

Happy study wisdom pullulate.

3. Use your Illusion

DSC00323

Here’s your stupid fairytale carriage, Kid, but you’re living in an illusion state.

4. Butt injection baby

DSC00371

This baby laughs when you push its stomach and cries when you inject things into its rectum.

More Eastern Knockoffs

1. Michelle-Pfeiffer Man

catsuit

2. Flower story

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3. Plainboy

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4. Boo!

DSC00375

7 more of the Worst Things in the World (Pt 2)

18 Nov

I seem to be the sad cat-lady of pet hates. I certainly have a lot of them. My dingy flat is metaphorically thick with the stench of little pet-hate droppings. I wrote previously with seven blood-boiling / cringe-inducing monstrosities of modern life, and here are seven more.

8. Spamvertising

There’s a social contract that says advertisers are allowed to advertise to me, as long as they’re paying for the episode of 30 Rock they’re interrupting, or my favourite website, or my Empire magazine.

Marketing Suit, I’m going to keep punching you in the head. Please text ‘stop’ to opt out.

For some years now, they’ve grown tired of paying for things, so they started sending text messages warning that they’re going to telemarket to me, and I must use my own money to text ‘stop’ to opt out. That was the worst, until one day…

I got a call on the freeway, during rushhour, which I had to pull over to receive. It was a pre-recorded advertisement — like the ones that make listening to the radio unbearable — that they deliberately phoned in to me. It’s almost as though someone imagined I might rejoice to be told of their goods and services. I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but they’ve simultaneously put a telemarketing phone-jockey out of a job and found a way to make that a bad thing.

9. Minority Report ripoff advertisements

Sorry, Tom. Kate’s gone. Really, someone should have seen it coming.

Minority Report was a pretty good movie, but as more observant people have pointed out, it’s futuristic technology is fairly stupid. They have giant flash drives and no networking capability whatsoever. Still, for all its utter pointlessness, everyone thinks that Tom Cruise’s holographic Wii Fit screen is the coolest thing ever. By ‘everyone’, I mean ‘people advertising financial services’.

That’s why ad men are called ‘creatives’, Baby.

If I have to watch another TV ad in which the company’s hipness and advancedness is communicated by some guy flinging around a computer animation, I think I’ll have to… to… uh…

Tell them that touch screens are widely available?

That we have wireless capabilities now?

That it’s clearly better that we don’t all have to show everyone in the building what we are / are not working on?

10. TV programmes that are entirely about WAGs and c-list celebrities having lunch / talking about sex / talking about other how many other celebrities are their friends / talking about how hard it is to make friends in LA.

I wandered onto the television the other day and came across a reality show so incredibly stupid that would insult the intelligence of  hamsters and Kardashians. The conversation I saw went something — in all seriousness — like this:
British WAG type: “I’m going to have coffee with MY FRIEND Sarah.”

Disinterested American male set-dressing: “… mm-hmm… Sarah who?”

WAG (Absolutely horrified that he didn’t assume it’s THE Sarah): MY FRIEND Sarah Jessica Parker!

We read celebrity pages and watch reality shows about celebrities because we assume their fame is directly proportional to the interestingness of their lives. Clearly. It. Isn’t.

This was not the person who said those stupid things, but she’s on some American Housewife type thing, and I’m told her name is Lisa Vanderpump. Who wouldn’t use any excuse to exploit that?

11. Luxury cars painted white

You paint cars white because it’s cheaper than metallic paint. There is no other reason. I know you’re getting ready to say that you’d paint a car white because you like white, and you are inspired by its purity or some nonsense. But your ignorance isn’t welcome here, thank you. Besides there’s nothing pure about these cars; these are engineering pornography, and obscenely expensive. For that reason, if you’re already splurged too many hundreds of thousands on em, why would you hold back the couple of grand needed to make them gorgeous? I defy anyone to tell me that the white options of these cars makes them look like anything but grandiose advertisements for aesthetic retardation and crippling indecision:

Same car

A white Ferrari? You know, you’re right. Save the extra few grand for therapy.

12. More Bad Drivers

I’m aware that everyone thinks that everyone else should learn to drive just like they do, and the world would be a better place, blah, blah, etc. And even though that’s true of me, I shouldn’t keep harping on about it. So very briefly, here are two or three things that you should really stop doing.

(Y’idiot.)

1. Has it ever happened to you that there’s a huge gap behind you and a tiny one in front of you, and a car from a side road decides that it simply can’t wait and must make a bid for the tiny space in front? And then they make you break to avoid an accident? It’s happened to me plenty.

And I don’t mind it that much. I can live with that. People are in a hurry. Be impertinently assertive if you must. What really gets me is when said person in impossibly great hurry never speeds up. They’ve pushed in and tripped me up — they’ve simply had to get in ahead — but with no ambitions of getting anywhere in reasonable time; just to drive 40. Don’t do that, you.

2. You know how turning across a busy intersection usually forces you to wait for your light to go orange so that the oncoming traffic stops, and you can hurry across just before the side lanes open? And then the oncoming traffic that should stop just keeps pushing through even on the red, because no one wants to be the first guy not to make it through the intersection? And how that leaves you stranded in front of the side lanes? That.

3. Have you ever noticed that when approaching speed bumps or train crossings, some drivers have to cross them like they’re fording a river? As though they would take them at a complete stop if it were physically possible? As though their suspension is made of crystal chandeliers? I’ve nearly rear-ended a lot of those. Stop it, you guys.

13. Comedies with Guys in Fat Drag

There can be no forgiveness.

14. Muscle Tops

Muscle tops are great. If God blessed you with mesomorphness in your youth then flaunt away all that muscle tone before it turns to flab in your forties. T-shirts that are cut tight to fit that profile look great too. Well done, everyone.

By why, Oh Why, must every t-shirt manufacturer in the world change it’s standard pattern to the armpit-hugging type?

I like roomy, airy t-shirts that don’t hug my scholarly body. Why must it now always be this:

and this

and this?

Do you see, Ashley Judd?

 

EDIT:

I feel that I should also give special mention to:

a. Toilets that spin their contents around the bowl without ever showing them the trapdoor. Test your prototypes, people!

b. Jugs that drip or trickle more of their contents down their sides than out their spouts. As long as it looks like the real thing eh?

c. Car hub-caps / wheel covers that are made to look like they’re part of the wheel (even sporting fake bolts) but which are held on by a spring wire. That loosens over time. Sending little plastic discs scuttling into oncoming traffic. As long as it looks good coming off the showroom floor, who cares about next year, eh?

Please refer to point #8 for the proper treatment for designers of these objects.

Six Dreadful Product Designs Part 3

30 Mar

See Part 2<<

2. Kids’ Products Designed to Ruin all they Touch

Beware of alien slime

When we were kids, my mom made us this stuff that the recipe book called ‘Pud’. It was made mostly of corn flour and water (although it may require baking soda… Who cares! Get on with it!). The point of this concoction is that it usually has the properties of a goopy liquid, but when you squeeze it, it has the properties of a solid. It’s a non-Newtonian fluid, apparently; one of those that thickens (or thins – e.g. tomato sauce) when pressure is applied.

Well, in spite of the fact that the goo requires a maximum of 2 common household dry ingredients, someone decided to package the powder as an educational toy, and someone else bought it and gave it to one of my kids as a birthday present. Unfortunately, to justify selling it as mysterious ‘Alien Slime’, or whatever they called it, the manufacturers added a third ingredient: weapons-grade colourants.

Artist's impression

For the purposes of mixing the ingredients with water, I stirred with my finger for about 3 or 4 seconds. When I removed my finger, it was dyed bright red. After scrubbing with soap, I had done nothing more than exercise futility, and my finger remained that colour for more than a day.

Realising that this substance should not under any circumstances be allowed to touch anything important, let alone be put in the hands of children, it got binned.

Finger Paints

As far as I am aware, finger paints are not really intended for the use of the Great Masters of the art world. At least until artists get committed to convalescent institutions, finger paints tend to be off their repertoire.

Invented by Michaelangelo for all those fiddly parts of the Sistine ceiling

That is to say, it’s a medium intended for kids. It’s instant, there’s no need for set-up and brushes; they get to use their hands, make a mess. Oh except for the mess part. They shouldn’t make a mess. And they probably shouldn’t use their fingers, because kids tend to touch other things using their fingers.

If you or I were making a substance for the world’s messiest creatures to smear on things with their hands, it’d probably occur to us to ask, ‘Say, I wonder if this wipes off?’ This seems not to have worried whoever made this stuff. The photo above left includes my daughter’s dress after being laundered twice. Those blue drips haven’t budged. Here’s another part of the dress:

I have a shirt with a small blue dot on it where she merely touched me as I was dragging her to the sink to clean her off. It’s fading now after the fourth or fifth wash.

This is a product designed for making a mess. With psychotic staining power.

1. Game Token, Demonic

I was at the SPCA yesterday, and a woman who’d had her guard dog confiscated came in to get the dog back. She was on the warpath, and madly shouting and pointing at the lady behind the counter. The conversation went,

Mad Irish woman: ‘I want my dog back! I’m not leaving until I get my dog back!’

SPCA lady: ‘You’ll need to talk to the inspector who…’

Mad Irish woman: ‘I’m not talking to anybody! I just want my dog back!’

SPCA lady: ‘Um…’

Mad Irish woman: ‘Fine! I’m calling the POLICE!’

<Storms out>

Mad Irish woman to stranger in hallway: ‘If you take my dog, then I take your rabbit!’

<Attempts to take stranger’s rabbit>

<Confused stranger with caged rabbit enters room>

As this good article points out, shouting at the only person who can help you with your problem is a stupid decision. Nevertheless, there are not many circumstances that make people angry enough to attempt a public rabbit kidnapping (yes, that was an entirely true story). One thing that recently made me this angry was a game token for a snakes and ladders game, again given to one of my kids for a birthday present.

token

You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but if the gift includes one of these, you should punch that horse's teeth out.

The only necessary design features of a snakes-and-ladders game token are that it should fit on the board, and it should be distinguishable from other tokens (say by colour); that’s it. So the cone shape above with all of its flutes and lips has been designed for one purpose. That purpose is…

Finger trap!!

As a game token, this object is rather poorly designed. As a finger trap for three-year-olds, it is incredible. Firstly, making an opening that is exactly big enough to accept a finger but not release it is easier said than done. That alone must have required hours of research. To improve its effectiveness, the designers conceived of an innovative lip design, loosely like the barb of a fish hook.

It is smooth when pushing into it, but as you can hopefully see on the above image, a millimetre or two in, there’s a tapered, sharp-edged rim around the circumference. This means that when attempting to pull it off, not only does it grab and hold enough skin to thicken the knuckle, but it also hurts. So after promising once or twice not to hurt her, and failing to keep that promise, eventually she would not let anyone even look at the finger.

We therefore had to conduct our remaining removal experiments while she was asleep. These involved trying to immobilise the hand and gently saw through the plastic rim with a blunt hacksaw (night one); then clipping through the thin cone with hedge clippers and breaking through the remaining third (night two); and then trying again with the saw (night 3). By the end, we had discovered something else about the design of this thing:

They didn’t skimp on plastic quality. What one needs in a trap (but not in a game token) is strength, so that your prey cannot escape. This plastic is not flexible enough that it can be stretched, and it is not brittle so that it can be snapped or prised apart. It is also quadruple thick at the rim. The two pictures on the right show what the cone looked like on the final day: sawn, clipped down both sides, but firmly secured to the finger. My wife suggested seeing what could be done to break another token not stuck to a finger, and that’s what you see on the left. I sawed the lip as deep as could reasonably be done — and pulled apart harder than could reasonably be done — if it were on a finger, and nothing. Not even close to breaking.

Eventually, we went to a doctor, who I had hoped would have some sort of plaster-cast saw that could cut it off. Instead he helplessly poked at it with scissors. Having no more ideas, he had her tied in a blanket to restrain her and he me and the nurse hold her down while he grotesquely prodded around with a comically long needle in the soft flesh between her fingers. Then (as is typical for doctors) without giving the anaesthetic time to work, he declared that she could feel nothing and pulled it until it came off. The hysterical screaming and thrashing and bleeding suggested to me that she was actually feeling a few things, but, hey! You’re the doctor. So great, Doc, that was something I could have done for free while traumatising her significantly less. And you only charge, what? R350? Thanks, Doc. You saved us.

The petting-zoo-restaurant visit by which we hoped to mitigate the trauma afterwards cost about R100. I lost the rest of the day to depression. She recovered OK, but I don’t know what the therapy is going to cost me when she’s a teenager.

So, yes, if I ever come across the designer of that game token, I think I’ll do more than try to steal his rabbit.