Tag Archives: fashion

Shopping Hazards

15 Aug

Classified Ads are Often Nuts

1. Plague bike

deadleopardbike

This guy is selling his bike with the romantic notion of being able to ride to places with dead cheetahs AND dead skunks. Also the cheetah has been lightly shaved.

2. Demon bike

poltergeistbike

This guy’s bicycle sounds demon possessed. I imagine it in the garage with its gears spontaneously clattering away, and things breaking off of it without warning…

3. Bile bike

bilecycle

This guy has a bilecycle. I’m not sure what that is, but I don’t think I want it. I like how he had two stabs at the word ‘bicycle’ without success.

Fashion. Why.

1. Choose your battles

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This guy’s girlfriend has obviously forced him to wear this hideous garbage, because he clearly looks miffed and a bit embarrassed (and totally whipped), and she looks cross but slightly exhilarated, like she just won something. “You will stand here for this photo, or so help me…”

2. Someone has to pay

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Just so we’re clear, the shirt is emblazoned with a HUGE shiny decal that says, ‘Young, Reckless, Wild, and Awesome’. Because you shop at the mall. Right. Even the mannequin can’t believe he has to wear this.

If you have to praise yourself on your own t-shirt, especially using some drunk 50-year-old clothes-builder’s idea of how young people hope to be seen, then you’re probably the opposite, and you deserved it when you were bullied as a child.

3. Wow you look like the man of my dreams

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This mannequin reminds me of someone that I usually associate with the nightmare of clothes shopping.

I can't quite put my finger on who...

I can’t quite put my finger on who…

Child’s Play

1. Costume that is everything

My kid wants a tiger birthday-party this year, so we’re on the lookout for tiger dress-up outfits.

tiger chewie

This costume-hire Website must have some interesting employees.

Boss: ‘Describe a tiger.’

Designer: ‘It’s really long-haired, and looks like a novelty brown shag rug that’s been given peroxided highlights all over.’

Boss: ‘Describe Chewbacca.’

Designer: ‘He’s really long-haired, and looks like a novelty brown shag rug that’s been given peroxided highlights all over.’

Boss: ‘Wonderful! How about werewolf?’

Designer: ‘It’s smooth and orange with black stripes. Looks like a cat.’

tiger002_big

Pictured left: Zebra. Pictured right: George W Bush

2. Sapiential

engrish_sapiential

Happy study wisdom pullulate.

3. Use your Illusion

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Here’s your stupid fairytale carriage, Kid, but you’re living in an illusion state.

4. Butt injection baby

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This baby laughs when you push its stomach and cries when you inject things into its rectum.

More Eastern Knockoffs

1. Michelle-Pfeiffer Man

catsuit

2. Flower story

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3. Plainboy

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4. Boo!

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The cost of looking poor

13 Mar

I don’t care much for fashion. In the live-action version of 101 Dalmatians, Glenn Close’s Cruella de’Vil, a famous fashion mogul, ridicules Jeff Daniels, a videogame designer, for being in a useless profession. The film seems not to see any irony in that, and certainly Jeff does not echo the obvious response that I always make, sometimes out loud: ‘Look who’s talking’. (My kids watch it often, so I have plenty of opportunity).

I recently came across these pics in a UK edition of Marie Claire that my wife was reading, and quickly (and badly — sorry) photographed two of the pages out of sheer disbelief:

 

The fashion model has clambered into various ill-fitting pieces of sackcloth and a child’s jacket from a thrift store. She hold a stale scone in front of her eye as if to say, ‘This is the only food I’ll eat today’.

As if to mock the homeless, the one caption reads, ‘Contrast a shrunken tee with wide bottoms to balance the look’. Because the homeless choose their clothes with balance in mind. So if you could only find an eight-year-old’s shirt to wear, the best thing to do is make sure that you draw attention away from it by seeking out obese-clown slacks.

What is so utterly criminal is that while the homeless dig ugly clothes out of the garbage bags of the deceased, you as a privileged Marie Claire reader can have the above look for the low-low price of:

  • £330 for the thrift-store jacket (that’s R4000; get it while the pound is still weak!)
  • £99 for the kids’ tee
  • £105 for the sack trousers

For the whole ensemble, then, expect to pay R6400, or with the earrings and bangle included make it R11,000. (Model not included).

On the next page, there was this one:

 

To have ‘Chloe’ (again, I’m pretty sure that’s the name of the sack, not the model), a ‘wardrobe essential’, you merely have to pay £1,250 (R15,000). That is not inclusive of the handbag, jewellery, or even the belt. And unless you’re shaped like one of the clothes horses above, you’re going to look like an utter bag-lady in it.