Tag Archives: classified

Shopping Hazards

15 Aug

Classified Ads are Often Nuts

1. Plague bike

deadleopardbike

This guy is selling his bike with the romantic notion of being able to ride to places with dead cheetahs AND dead skunks. Also the cheetah has been lightly shaved.

2. Demon bike

poltergeistbike

This guy’s bicycle sounds demon possessed. I imagine it in the garage with its gears spontaneously clattering away, and things breaking off of it without warning…

3. Bile bike

bilecycle

This guy has a bilecycle. I’m not sure what that is, but I don’t think I want it. I like how he had two stabs at the word ‘bicycle’ without success.

Fashion. Why.

1. Choose your battles

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This guy’s girlfriend has obviously forced him to wear this hideous garbage, because he clearly looks miffed and a bit embarrassed (and totally whipped), and she looks cross but slightly exhilarated, like she just won something. “You will stand here for this photo, or so help me…”

2. Someone has to pay

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Just so we’re clear, the shirt is emblazoned with a HUGE shiny decal that says, ‘Young, Reckless, Wild, and Awesome’. Because you shop at the mall. Right. Even the mannequin can’t believe he has to wear this.

If you have to praise yourself on your own t-shirt, especially using some drunk 50-year-old clothes-builder’s idea of how young people hope to be seen, then you’re probably the opposite, and you deserved it when you were bullied as a child.

3. Wow you look like the man of my dreams

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This mannequin reminds me of someone that I usually associate with the nightmare of clothes shopping.

I can't quite put my finger on who...

I can’t quite put my finger on who…

Child’s Play

1. Costume that is everything

My kid wants a tiger birthday-party this year, so we’re on the lookout for tiger dress-up outfits.

tiger chewie

This costume-hire Website must have some interesting employees.

Boss: ‘Describe a tiger.’

Designer: ‘It’s really long-haired, and looks like a novelty brown shag rug that’s been given peroxided highlights all over.’

Boss: ‘Describe Chewbacca.’

Designer: ‘He’s really long-haired,¬†and looks like a novelty brown shag rug that’s been given peroxided highlights all over.’

Boss: ‘Wonderful! How about werewolf?’

Designer: ‘It’s smooth and orange with black stripes. Looks like a cat.’

tiger002_big

Pictured left: Zebra. Pictured right: George W Bush

2. Sapiential

engrish_sapiential

Happy study wisdom pullulate.

3. Use your Illusion

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Here’s your stupid fairytale carriage, Kid, but you’re living in an illusion state.

4. Butt injection baby

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This baby laughs when you push its stomach and cries when you inject things into its rectum.

More Eastern Knockoffs

1. Michelle-Pfeiffer Man

catsuit

2. Flower story

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3. Plainboy

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4. Boo!

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Capetonian Reliability

8 Apr

Cape Town has a beautiful mountain, a cold sea, bad drivers and astonishingly unreliable people. As long as you’re not someone that a particular person sees socially, it seems as though they could care less how much they inconvenience you. I’ve got any number of stories of uncaring behaviour from my many classified ad transactions of late.

PinocchioFor example, I tried to buy a laptop a couple of years ago. It was New Years Day, and I arranged with the seller that I was leaving from my suburb and would meet him 45 minutes later, because it was about a 40km drive. I arrived and he was not there. I phoned him and he had turned his cell off. I phoned my wife to ask her to check for his details on the ad, but he had removed the ad from the site. So I sat in New Years Day traffic for an additional hour, trying to make my unhappy way home. He had obviously got a better offer, and had decided that it was easier (for him) not to tell me.

Last year, I was selling a broken washing machine for R50, and someone called me at night in a flurry of excitement to ask if it was still for sale. At the end of the conversation, he said, “I’m getting in my car to come to you now!!” So I pulled the car out of the garage, cleared a path for the machine, carried it out to the driveway, cleaned it up and began waiting in the dark. I paced up and down the driveway for an hour. I tried calling. Nothing. He never came.

Last night, I got another call for some golf clubs I’m trying to get rid of, and we arranged verbally that he could come and fetch them later that night, because my wife was out and I was going to be at home and up late. The following is the subsequent stream of smsses between me (called J) and the buyer (B).

First, inexplicably, he makes out as though it is reasonable to expect that we might have met at a central location, even though it was night:

B – 20:25 – “Hi. What’s the latest we can meet as I’m very keen for the clubs. Was thinking we can meet close to your side of the world.”

J – 20:27 – “I can’t leave because I’m baby sitting. But you can come before 22:00.”

B – 20:31 – “Not familiar with [your suburb]. I’m quite excited and desperate for it tonight.”

J – 20:34 – “You can check on the map provided…”

Note how keen he is for the item. Desperate even. That should have been my first clue that he didn’t want them. So, he then confirmed the meeting and pushed the time limit out a bit, so I asked him to at least keep me informed of how late he was intending to come.

B – 20:35 – “OK cool. I will be coming through. Is it OK if it’s after 22:00?”

J – 20:37 – “Sure, a little, but keep me informed.”

B – 20:37 – “Will do. See you soon.”

Half an hour later, he tells me he’s left home:

B – 21:07 – “Leaving now. Is the price negotiable?”

J – 21:09 – “Can do 720 but no lower.”

But almost an hour and a half later, he’s not arrived. So I contact him. He claimed to be driving.

J – 22:22 – “How far are you? Still coming?”

B – 22:28 – “Hey. Driving. Had to turn around. Something cropped up. Wife issues. Are you a late owl?”

I ask whether he’s driving home or to me, and it turns out that it’s neither.

J – 22:30 – “Wife’s in bed. Can we meet tomorrow, or are you already en route to me?”

B – 22:32 – “No not yet… I’ll contact you in the morning.”

Go on, ask me if he’s contacted me today.