Be a Domkopf in 10 Minutes

18 Sep

Now that cosmetic companies are not really allowed to do chemical experiments on animals anymore, they have clearly sought a new outlet for their sadism in their advertising. It’s hard to find any justification for some of these ads unless they genuinely are mind experiments that are slowly eroding our ability to think in the abstract. Or perhaps it’s the mental equivalent of what our mothers promised us would happen if the wind changed when we pulled our faces. Except this time, they’re going to broadcast a trigger that will freeze our brains at the level of activity (or lack thereof) that the ads generate.

Take for example a Schwarzkopf ad that is now on rotation here, about some hair colouring system that takes only 10 minutes. It employs one of those ‘put yourself in her shoes’ storylines to try to show you how much this product could bail you out of a tight spot. It goes like this.

Cool Guy

'I'm so cool I put the phone to the wrong side of my head so that I can use my wrong arm to open the door.'

Cool Guy very coolly disrespects his woman, saying, ‘I’m coming over. I’ll be there in 10 minutes.’ The natural response would be for her to say, ‘Uh sure. I’ll be ready in 45’, but instead, he hangs up and she begins contemplating a radical change in her hair colour. As one does.

Hair Probs

'My make-up and outfit are perfect, but I simply *must* put my head under a tap.'

Cool Guy probably only likes her because she’s blonde, but with the clock ticking, she decides that her hair is in an unacceptable state. If her concerns that her current hair-colour might put him off are real, then what makes her so sure that a radical change in colour isn’t going to make the situation worse?

I am in your apartment, suggesting new products. Should you be afraid?

Responsible-looking Older Man, perhaps her father or a homosexual co-worker, intrudes into the story to suggest that the visit of a guy with a leather jacket and a convertible requires 70%-cocoa chocolate-brunette. And it’ll only take 10 MINUTES!

You mean you have to leave it in for 10 minutes, though. She only *has* 10 minutes.

'I am *working* that parklaj.'

Nevertheless, she meets him outside (was she early??), newly brunetted, with perfectly dry bouncy locks and a new outfit on (presumably she splashed ‘Palette’ all over the grey number). We’re expected to believe that all took a mere 10 minutes? A hair wash, colour, condition, blowdry, outfit change and new makeup all took her quicker than it takes me to brush my teeth and locate my keys?

Her boyf must have seen a few too many cosmetics advertisements and fried his brain, or else started watching some Hypnotoad and lost track of time, because 10 minutes that was not.

hypnotoad

Hypnotoad wouldn't stand for this kind of rubbish.

I know I shouldn’t obsess about this sort of thing, but really, is advertising that difficult? Do you really have to run with the very first thing you think of?

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